I am finally feeling better today, but Iz wasn't. The daycare called and asked for me to come and pick her up, that she was teething and miserable.
Anyway, I am at home and she is asleep right now. I finally got around to answering the questions that I asked myself last week.
Why am I fat?I was just reading something on Oprah's site (don't ask why) and she said the answer to the question is that you don't put yourself high on your priority list, that you always do for others before you take care of yourself. You don't have time to exercise, you are too busy to eat right, etc. I think that is a pretty good answer.
I don't like this question because there isn't a single small short answer to why anyone struggles with their weight. Genetics, current eating habits, old eating habits, emotional connection to food, unwillingness to exercise, stress, lifestyle, etc. all play a part in our weight. For me, it is all these things and more. I could run through the list and say that I have always been overweight (true, but much less so when I was in high school. I thought I was a big fat cow, but when I look at my pictures, I was just about 10-15 lbs heavier than I should have been. I was never going to be twiggy.) I was a very unhealthy eater growing up and really never learned how to eat properly until I was on my own in college when I became a vegetarian. I never exercised, I had a letter from my doctor excusing me from gym because of a heart condition and I was happy to have an excuse to get out of it.
So if I made all these revelations and lifestyle changes in college, why have I only put on weight since then? I don't know, laziness. Love of food. Inability to control myself or accept responsibility for my actions. By the time I was out of college, I was 30-40 lbs heavier than when I went in, even though I was eating healthier foods and moving more than when I was in high school. I was also eating out a lot, eating lots of desserts, and even though I was making healthier choices, I was also eating way more than I needed. There is no other way to explain it.
My first year of grad school, I went into a deep depression (read - stayed in bed, skipped class, almost flunked out) and I put on another 40 lbs. There my weight has stayed except during pregnancy.
I guess the thing that floors me about my problem with weight is that I think of myself as a healthy eater. I try to make the right choices of food and have been a vegetarian for over 12 years now. But obviously, I was eating enough to maintain my weight. And when I went back and calculated the calories I was getting from my normal breakfast alone (bagel, cream cheese, blended coffee drink) it was almost enough for a whole day. So I was living in denial.
Why have other attempts to lose weight failed?Another question that I am not sure that I have a good answer to. I did some starvation diets in high school, then weight watchers for a short time in college. I counted calories and attempted to run two separate times in grad school. When we were trying to get pg, I did weight watchers again and lost 30 lbs (then got pg so went off). The starvation diets were never going to work, I wasn't serious about weight watchers when I was in college (and it was the old program, where you kept track of breads, proteins, dairy, etc). The calorie counting in grad school would work for a while (I think I lost 20 lbs once) but then I would get bored or work would get really busy making it difficult to eat in or I would get sick or Mike would get sick and we would want comfort food. I would do it for a while, start to see results, then get distracted by other things and go back to old habits.
Why is this time different?This is a simple one. My motivation is completely different. Every time I did some diet or exercise program in the past (with the exception of the time right before we got pg) it was for vanities sake. And I am not that vain. I am just not motivated to lose weight because of looks. I think I look great now and I have looked great all along. My motivation this time is to get healthy for pregnancy #2. And if I don’t get healthier, I might not have pg #2, I don't know if I want to put my body through an overweight pregnancy again and risk my future with Isabel. So the stakes are huge, the lives of my future children hang in the balance. I can't tell you what a motivation this is to me. Do I want that piece of chocolate? Yes, but not as much as I want to have more kids. Would I like dessert tonight? Sure, but I would much rather get pregnant without risking my life.
# posted by amy @ 1:02 PM
